i permit you to call me
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
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