Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
