just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
