Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
