I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
