It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
