If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
