i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
