first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
im six kinds of drunk right now
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You're a waste of cheezeits
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
