There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
