Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
