I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
