I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
