When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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