a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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