you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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