why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
