Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Duck Duck Cougar?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
