hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
