I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
