we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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