Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
