1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
