you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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