grandma shit on top of the toilet
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
