What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
