All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Randomize
