As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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