So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
40s are totally the cure
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Randomize
