Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Randomize
