Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
