I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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