My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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