There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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