everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
