Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
