dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
