if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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