your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
