roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
i think i have two assholes
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
