Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
