I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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