i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
