I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
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