Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
