She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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