Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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