Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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