So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
