I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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